Make Your Woman Feel Good

By: James Carter

We were on holiday recently and my partner was navigating. It was dark and she wasn’t really sure of where we were or how to get to our destination. On several occasions I was tempted to ridicule her efforts to find her way and laugh outright at her method of navigating.

I’m so glad I didn’t! She did find her way eventually and I had a fantastic time on my surprise weekend away. She even apologised (after some time had passed!), for the lengthy detour. I guarantee that none of that would have happened if I’d made her feel stupid.

So what stopped me? I thought about it afterwards and realised that I just didn’t have the desire to tease her because I knew she’d take it personally and would feel bad about it. I knew she’d put so much energy into making it the perfect weekend away, and she was probably already beating herself up for getting lost, that she didn’t need me to pile it on too.

It’s something I’ve learned recently from reading a great book called “Hold On To Your NUTs”, by Wayne M. Levine. It’s a relationship manual for men that explains in plain language some really good tools for being a better man in a relationship. One of the things it talks about is restraining yourself from showing her she’s wrong. The book explains how holding back is the kindest and most effective approach.

You can order a copy of the book from Wayne’s website: http://www.bettermen.org/

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Romantic Dates on a Budget

By: Tammy Vela

Long ago are the dates that began at the fanciest restaurant in town and ended with a balcony seat at the opera. As society becomes more budget-minded and people struggle to get out of debt from credits cards, mortgages and school loans, there lies a need for frugal alternatives to the romantic date. Short of forcing your date to eat your leftover pizza from last night and watching a re-run of a sitcom, what other budget-minded options are out there?

For Coastal Romances

If you live near a beach, lucky you! Pack a light dinner, some cheese and an inexpensive bottle of wine in a picnic basket and, without letting your date or spouse in on this, suggest a drive. Drive your date to the beach and surprise them with your packed picnic. Lay a blanket on the beach and watch the sunset and stick around for the stars to come out. Who knows? You may be around for the sunrise, as well.

For Office Romances

One of the best deals around is the much-adored “Happy Hour.” Happy Hour is when a restaurant or bar offers reduced prices on their liquor and beer selections, as well as their appetizers and, sometimes, dinner entrees. You can easily wine and dine your spouse or date without putting a dent in your wallet. Make sure, however, that you drink responsibly so that you get you and your date home safely.

For Campus Romances

You are in college and thus, by definition, have little to no money to your name. You could sacrifice your laundry money and splurge on a date, but you really don’t need to do this. College campuses understand your pain and offer free or cheap date alternatives, if you just take the time to do a little digging. In college, I was able to see operas, musicals, comedy performances and newly released movie for free or for a greatly reduced price. Check your campus newspaper or your school’s website for calendars and listings of events being held on and around campus for students.

For Physically Active Romances

What a better way to get to know each other than on a hike? Pack up some bottled water, some homemade granola and some energy bars and head out to the nearest park. Why not take your bikes to the local hike and bike trail or feed ducks at the community pond? If you enjoy jogging, enter yourselves into a 5k for a small registration fee and jog the race side-by-side.

For Food-Loving Romances

If you and your significant other love to cook, here’s a great idea. Go through recipe books and write on different slips of paper entrees you would like to cook. Do the same for side dishes and desserts, putting the different courses into separate piles. Pick one slip of paper for the main course, two slips of paper for the side dishes and one slip of paper for the dessert. You will have fun cooking the mismatched meal together that both of you had a say in. Make the night more romantic by setting the table with your finest dishes and candles.

Some budget-minded couples love going out to eat at fine restaurants but don’t want to end up paying over $100 for drinks, appetizers, a main course and dessert. Why not whip up dinner at home and go to your favorite restaurant for dessert and coffee?

There are so many ideas out there for the frugal-minded romantic, if you are just a little creative!

© 2002 Pagewise

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Help to forgive infidelity

By: Antoinette Manigoult

Forgiving infidelity is a difficult choice to make. Many people find it easier to disconnect from the cheater and heal alone. Forgiving infidelity involves strength and guidance, because infidelity often attacks a person’s self esteem. Working through feelings of anger, hurt and betrayal are essential before the forgiving process can begin. There is help available for forgiving infidelity. Here are a few tips.

Marriage counseling and/or couple therapy is a good option to exercise. A licensed therapist can aid the couple in articulating their feelings. Often messages get lost in translation, when they are cloaked in emotion. A counselor acts as an interpreter and a referee between the couple. Confronting and acknowledging the underlying issues of the infidelity, may help prevent its reoccurrence. Consistently visiting with a therapist can enable each person to hear and listen to their partner’s needs and wants.

Individual counseling may be necessary for the adulterer and the cheated person. The adulterer may need to resolve personal internal conflicts that lead to unhealthy behavior patterns that include infidelity. This may be a learned behavior from the cheater’s family history.

Changing the role models of an adult is difficult. The older a person gets, the deeper they are set in their ways. Counseling is the only way to change an adult’s way of viewing infidelity as wrong. If the adult feels it is harmless, they are likely to repeat their actions. Forgiving a repeat offender is self destructive, as well as unfair to the victim.

The victim – or the one cheated on may also need individual counseling. Self-esteems can take a major blow due to infidelity. The victims often question their self worth, and may even blame themselves. Counseling is needed to help the victim understand it is not their fault. Counseling can also assist the victim in assessing their goals and desires in life. It can help the person decide if they can and/or should forgive the infidelity.

Counseling will address reasons why a person wants to forgive an adulterer. It is not always in one’s best interest to forgive infidelity. One may find they forgive infidelity out of desperation and fear of being alone. This is unhealthy and should be resolved with a therapist.

A couple may seek out counseling through a spiritual leader. Many married couples and pre-marital couples will seek advice from their minister, Imam or Rabbi. Many who base the lifestyle on a religious foundation, find this is the best way to seek help forgiving others for wrongdoings.

Relying on help from family and friends may be helpful in forgiving a cheater. Often many are too embarrassed or ashamed to seek outside help. Or sometimes, one may not be able to afford professional counseling. It helps to surround oneself with the love and support of family and friends. They play a vital role in reminding one of their worth. They can give objective as well as subjective opinions on whether your relationship is worth saving at all.

Forgiving infidelity is not a difficult thing, but should not be done alone. Seek support from your immediate and expansive circles. Let other guide you in your decision to move forward in your relationship, or move on by one’s self.

© 2002 Pagewise

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Relationship survival guide - hanging on to your identity

By: Elizabeth Hardy

Sometimes a relationship starts to feel like nothing but a power struggle. If you're involved with a dominating personality, and you've had a lifetime of conditioning to please your partner, it can be difficult to hang onto your own identity AND have a relationship. But it doesn't have to come down to a choice between staying in the relationship and losing your identity, or ending the relationship and rediscovering who you are. Here's how to discover and assert your own demands within the paradigms of your existing relationship.

What do you really want?

Have you thought about what you really want lately? From your job, from yourself, from your partner? From life itself? Maybe your desires are not grandiose - perhaps an hour to yourself twice a week to read a novel is what you're missing. But what if you want to work longer hours and go for a promotion, but your partner is unsupportive?

The first step in asserting your identity within a relationship is to catalog exactly what it is you want to achieve within it. Write down your short and long term goals. Be specific and don't restrict yourself to what seems possible. In ten years, you could be a millionaire, so note down everything you want from your life, and from your relationship.

Ask you partner to do the same, and set aside some time to compare and discuss your lists. Chances are you've never actually sat down and quantified exactly what you want - to yourself, and certainly not to your partner. This can be a really illuminating exercise. If you communicate carefully and gently with each other about your lists of goals and desires, you can learn an enormous amount about one another, and thrash out how you are going to fit your goals together so that they are not only compatible but achievable.

Do you mean "no" when you say "yes"?

Once you're clear on what you want from the relationship, and from other aspects of your life, it will become easier to say no to things that are not going to move you towards your chosen path. So often, one partner falls into the habit of humoring the other, and agreeing to their requests because it's simply easier than making waves or having constant arguments.

But now, with your new understanding of what you're trying to accomplish, you may discover that you don't want to go to the game on Saturday. You may decide that you need to hire someone to help around the house so that you have some time free to attend the art class you have dreamed of going to for 10 years. In the process, you may find that it's not that difficult to say no when the result is a stronger sense of identity and purpose.

Learning to say no can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You may not even realize that you've been bending to the wishes of everyone else for as long as you can remember. After you've gotten over the shock of asserting your OWN desires, you'll find that it's exhilarating to be back in control of your time and to have strong input into the direction of your life.

Keeping track of your progress.

Now may be the time to start keeping a journal. Keep track of your goals here, and also your progress towards them. If you've been meaning to go back to college for the last five years, write down a plan in stages, and then tick off each stage as you complete it.

Or make notes on the specific changes you'd like to implement in your kitchen or study, and let yourself see how you are progressing towards completion of your goal.

Talk to your partner about your progress and enquire about how he's doing as he moves towards his own goals. This will help to reinforce the message that you have dreams as individuals and as a partnership, and that both kinds must be supported by each of you.

As you begin to discover what you want from life, and the stages you will have to move through to get it, you will be able to flourish in even the most demanding relationship. Your identity will continue to be strengthened as you ask for what you want, and successfully negotiate your way towards a more equal power dynamic within your relationship.

© 2002 Pagewise

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Romantic Gestures

By: Jody Worsfold

In a healthy relationship we are always doing kind and thoughtful gestures for our partner or spouse. It may be making them a cup of tea in the morning, leaving the heater on in the bathroom, running an errand or picking up the dry cleaning. The list is endless and I encourage you to take some time to think of the kind and thoughtful gestures your special someone does for you, as they are often overlooked and go un-thanked. By taking some time to notice the things they do you can easily rectify this with a thank you, a hug or some other acknowledgement.

What is a Romantic Gesture?

So what is the difference between these gestures and a Romantic Gesture?

I find asking these three questions define if what I am planning falls into the Romantic Gesture category:

1. Have I had to set aside some time to plan this?
2. Does it involve my partner and I spending time together or him spending time doing something he loves with my full encouragement?
3. Is the event, occasion or surprise I am planning about what he likes rather than what I like to do?

If I can answer yes to these three questions I know I am on the right track.

For example, last year we went overseas for a holiday. I organized for us to go and watch the local team play soccer (I would have rather watched paint dry). This took some planning on my behalf, involved us spending time together and was certainly something I new he would enjoy. All boxes ticked!

Conversely I love having my feet massaged and I think it would be lovely for us to have a Chinese foot spa together. However my husband has incredibly ticklish feet so this would be a slow form of torture for him and would not work as a Romantic Gesture (it would be amusing though!)

In Summary

A Romantic Gesture will take some planning. Consider what you want to do for him/her. Take some time over this, enough time to focus on what you know they like and how you can plan something special around that. Ensure that your plan involves things he/she loves to do or receive. I can’t stress this enough. Guys if you are planning a special dinner out and you choose a spot where you can watch the game on TV too, I guarantee you will spoil the moment (unless she is a big sports fan). Equally girls, if you whisk your man away for a romantic weekend and the final of his favorite sporting event is on he will not thank you for it!

Once you have decided on the gesture you need to set a date and organize whatever is required for your plan to work. If you are planning to surprise her with flowers or a midweek lunch at your favorite restaurant you may not have too much to organize but if it’s a weekend away there may be a bit more to consider like childcare, time off work, special food (make a list and don’t be afraid to ask for some help if needed).

Lastly put your plan into action and if you have organized a trip away or a surprise night out give some thought to how you present your gift of time. Maybe write a poem, send her txt clues throughout the day or make up a voucher that says what you are going to be doing and when you are going to be doing it.

Enjoy and remember – the gesture does not always have to be large or expensive. It is all about giving your time and using a little imagination.

The author: Jody is a romance specialist and can give your relationship the gift of time together. Visit her website at: RomanticGestures.co.nz

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How to Argue with a Woman Successfully

By: James Carter

When I was married, the worst things about arguing with my wife were the inevitable admission afterwards that I had been wrong and the compulsory apology. I found it so hard to admit I was in the wrong, which made the apology even more difficult because most of the time I felt it wasn’t justified. This usually meant I was accused of not being truly sorry and another argument followed!

I’ve been with my current partner for about 5 years now and we’ve argued only a handful of times. The arguments have been more like heated discussions than the angry, destructive fights I was used to, and the apologies have been easy and heartfelt. (And even more amazing, it’s not always been my fault!)

So why the huge difference, what’s changed? Obviously my partner’s changed and my attitude towards her is different, but has anything else contributed to this turnaround?

Looking back at how things used to be, I can see there were a number of factors.

Very often I’d get myself into an argument simply because I’d said something wrong – how common is that guys? But wait; could it really have been my fault each time? Looking back now, I have to admit that it probably was me – I’d say something without thinking about how it’d make her feel, or if I’m honest, I’d deliberately say something to provoke a reaction.

These days, I’m much more thoughtful. I still say what I want to say, I just think about how to say it in a way that won’t make her feel bad or defensive, so it doesn’t end up in a fight. Of course, I don’t get it right every time, and when I don’t I’m quick to apologise for hurting her feelings – then we move on and have a healthy discussion, not a raging argument.

So why the big difference? Well partly because I remember the bad days and don’t want to go back there, partly because I realise the effect my words can have if I use them incorrectly and partly (and this is the real reason!) because I stand a better chance of getting my point across if I can avoid an argument. I’m such a hopeless arguer that I always lose, but if we simply discuss the issue then my side of the story is received and understood. If we argue, then we’re both too busy constructing defences and launching attacks to listen to the other person.

Another thing I’ve learned is to let her have her say without interrupting. Too often I’d jump down my ex-wife’s throat to defend myself, only to find out much later that I didn’t need to and the row we’d just had was completely avoidable. Now I wait to hear the whole story and try to calmly digest it before responding. Again, I don’t claim to be infallible, but I’m sure we have so few arguments because we both give each other the chance to explain without reacting.

The final lesson I’ve learned is that compromise isn’t so bad! Often I’m prepared to back down and concede something because I know it’s a big deal to her, but not to me. When she really pushes for something, I’ll let her have her way because it’s important to her. If it doesn’t work out for some reason, then I don’t make her feel bad; instead we work out how to make it better. This might all sound a bit feeble on my behalf, but guess what? When I stuff up, she cuts me some slack too! So again, we avoid a big argument because we’re both on the same team, working together.

These steps can be summarised as:
Firstly I say what’s bothering me but without using language that makes my partner feel bad. I stay away from accusations and instead keep to the facts about how I feel. We try to listen to each other without interrupting or commenting.

Then we discuss the details of our disagreement calmly and rationally. I try to keep to the point and definitely do not bring up old arguments – that’s like throwing gasoline on glowing embers!

Lastly we negotiate and compromise until we agree. Sometimes we don’t agree straight away; maybe we need time to think it over or to think of another outcome. But we do try to keep the other person informed about what we’re doing – I don’t retreat to my cave without telling her when I’ll be back!

In short, it’s completely natural to have disagreements, but it’s what you do with those situations that define your relationship. Be thoughtful, listen, stay calm, and learn to compromise in your arguments and you will find that you are more pleased with the outcomes of your disagreements.

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Free Guide to Surviving Separation

By: James Carter

I've written a free guide to help men deal with their separation and get back into successful dating again.

It's packed with useful advice on coping with recent separation and learning to be alone, and all aspects of getting back into the dating scene, with tips on dressing for success and choosing a great first-date location.

There's no subscription required and no need to enter your email address, so I won't send you annoying newsletters!

To download this free guide, click here

Once you've read the guide, please leave a comment here so I can improve it, or write other useful guides in the future.

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